


The Kuroko Tetsuya Fan Club A.K.A The Akashi Seijuro Hate Club

by Arachnophobia



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, predominantly akakuro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 20:30:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3868807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arachnophobia/pseuds/Arachnophobia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kise and Momoi gang up to sacrifice Akashi's soul to the dark lords of hell in order to win Kuroko's love.</p><p> </p><p>  <strong>"What have I told you about sacrificing my boyfriend's soul to Satan?"</strong></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Kuroko Tetsuya Fan Club A.K.A The Akashi Seijuro Hate Club

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this for #killakashiseijuro2k15. except plot twist: akashi seijuro doesn't actually die so don't worry.
> 
> also:  
> Kise is the president of the Kuroko Tetsuya a fan club.

They sneak in under the cover of darkness.

Kise carries the candles. Momoi carries the salt. Aomine’s there for more of an aesthetic appeal.

Aomine doesn’t know what they’re carrying candles and five bags of salt for, and wants to keep it that way.

Both Kise and Momoi wear matching black attire, and it’s ridiculously fashionable for the purpose of breaking into someone’s house.

Aomine watches as Kise and Momoi both expertly scale the gates of Akashi’s Mansion, as if they’ve done this many, many times before.

He almost shits his pants when they’re spotted by a guard.

Instead of sounding the alarms and getting them thrown in jail, the guard rolls his eyes, shakes his head, and mutters, “You two again?”, as if he’s seen this many, many times before.

Aomine begins to wonder just why the fuck he’s here.

“Aominecchi, if you climb this tree at around four in the afternoon, you can see Kurokocchi bathing!” Kise whispers, a smile on his face and a wistful look in his eyes as he taps the trunk of a thin tree that towers up to the third floor.

“That’s right!” Momoi excitedly whispers back, Aomine doesn’t even know why they bother keep it on the down low when they’ve already been spotted, “I’ve got pictures if you’re interested! But they’re 1000 yen each! Tetsu-kun’s just so cute!”

“Sooooo cute!” Kise echoes.

Aomine wants to stab himself.

//

They find Akashi sleeping on a couch.

“They had a fight.” Kise soberly explains and Momoi nods her head, a morose expression on her face.

“It just goes to show that we’re the only ones who can make Tetsu-kun happy.”

“You’ve got that right Momoicchi.”

//

They make Aomine they transfer Akashi’s sleeping body from the couch to the ground.

He’s ready to get the fuck out of here, he’s done with his part of the barging, and he doesn’t want to be here when Akashi wakes up. He’s grown rather fond of having his head attached to his body, thank you very much.

Kise’s the one who takes the salt from Momoi and begins to draw the pentagram.

If that doesn’t draw the line between sanity and insanity, he doesn’t know what does.

“What the hell are you doing?” It’s all Aomine dears to say in fear of being in the same place Akashi is.

 “Akashi must perish.” They say it in unison and Aomine wonders just when did he start talking to fucking psychopaths.

He puts one foot in front of the other, with the intention of getting as far away as possible, because he only has two options, really: 1) Wake up Satan, 2) Run.

“You’re not going anywhere Dai-chan.”

//

Aomine wonders if it’s because he doesn’t really go to church as often as he should, or maybe it’s because he’s just a terrible person on the inside.

 Because what did he do to deserve _this_.

Momoi chants something in Latin, her voice soft and melodic, while Kise completes the pentagram.

It’s a very real looking pentagram, with very real looking Latin words on it, and a very real looking Akashi Seijuro in it.

Aomine tells himself that it can’t get any worse; that there are no such things as demons and that Akashi is going to be fine.

“Momoicchi, who do you think we should sacrifice his soul to? Lucifer? Beelzebub? Amon?” 

_No such things as demons, right, keep it together._

“Hmmm,” Momoi stops her chanting and Aomine’s 99.9% sure it was only for dramatic effect (read: to creep him the fuck out), “Beelzebub only eats light bulbs and Satan only eats Air Freshener.”

 “You’re right,” Kise replies, stroking his chin with the wisdom of Socrates and the grace of Plato, “And Lucifer will only eat slippers. But I’m sure Akashicchi’s soul will taste like bad air freshener.”  

What. The. Fuck.

Aomine blinks.

He most certainly must make a trip to the nearest bookstore and purchase himself the latest edition of the bible, because when did the dark lords of hell begin to eat Air Freshener? Last time he checked this wasn’t a bad episode of My Strange Addiction.

Aomine figures that his is most certainly lacking in his knowledge on Christian Demonology, because of course _everyone_ knows that Beelzebub only eats light bulbs, duh. 

“Then Satan it is,” Kise says, and just like that the chanting starts back and Aomine wants to shit in his pants.

Aomine expects for absolutely nothing to happen, he expects for Kise to complete the pentagram and then for everyone to go the fuck home.

So when Kise draws in the last symbol and the fire on the candles flare up, and the salt outright fucking glows, Aomine doesn’t what to shit his pants anymore because he is literally scared shitless.

About five voices join in on the chanting and Aomine doesn’t know where it comes from; he doesn’t know where it comes from and he doesn’t want to fucking know, holy shit (quite literally).

His and Akashi’s savior comes in the form of a sickly pale boy swaddled in a blue robe.

 As Kuroko assesses the situation, the anger in his eyes spills over and dowses out the flames until Aomine’s drowning in it.

//

“What have I told you about sacrificing my boyfriend’s soul to Satan?”

“We’re sorry Kurokocchi but—”

“Don’t ‘but’ me, Kise-kun.”

Oh snap.

Aomine watches the exchange from a couch in the corner, he would’ve spoken up but his knees are still shaking and he doesn’t trust himself to unclench his ass, lest the shit fall out, because he’s still that scared.

“Please apologize to Akashi-kun—the both of you.”

“We’re sorry Akashicchi/Akashi-kun.”

“And also to Aomine-kun for bringing him into your mess.”

“We’re sorry Aominecchi/Dai-chan.”

“I want to apologize to you, Seijuro, for still allowing them onto the compound.”

Kuroko turns around and buries his face into Akashi’s chest, offering a perfectly candid apology hug to his dearest boyfriend and Akashi readily snakes his hands around Kuroko’s waist and hips, skirting dangerously close to his ass.

“It’s fine, Tetsuya. I don’t want you blaming yourself for the stupidity of others.”

But it’s only then, when Kuroko’s face is buried deep into his chest, does a sly smile split Akashi concerned façade into clean halves.

“However, I must say that my back is terribly cramped from being on the floor for so long.” Aomine can hear the smile and smug satisfaction that drips from Akashi’s voice, and both Kise and Momoi glare daggers at him, their gaze intensifying when Akashi’s hand slips down to cup Kuroko’s ass.

“I’ll give you a massage as soon as we get back into bed.”

And that’s when it hits Aomine like a foot to his balls, because there’s no way Akashi could’ve slept through the chanting and the talking.

He fucking planned this.

But maybe it’s Kise and Momoi who should’ve know that they can’t sacrifice Satan to Satan. 

**Author's Note:**

> Akashi Seijuro ruined my life. 
> 
> Aomine is my son. Bless his soul.


End file.
